Facing a lion and Blueberry upside down cake

Have you ever feared something so great that all the blood rushed from your head and the breath left your lungs? 

I don't mean fear like if you're caught in an armed hold up or running from a hungry lion. I mean what others could judge as being unfathomable fear: the fear of public speaking, the fear of driving a car, the fear of great heights or the fear of tiny spiders. 

Do you think our brain knows the difference between the fear of running for your life from a lion or running from a spider? Ask a person paralysed by spiders, who is unable to utter a single word or move a muscle while that spider is 'hunting' them down. Do they think their fear is any less than the person paralysed by a would be lion attack? Fear is fear after all, is it not?

This week I have been going through my own unfathomable fear, and it's caused me to lash out at those very people trying to help me. It's also left me in a dark pit of despair and shaken me to my very core.

What could this great fear be?

My doctor says I need to go back to work.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? But to me, hearing those words sent me into fight or flight. First, I fought those attacking words with my own attacking words on why I'm not ready to go into a workplace after an almost 12 month hiatus. Then I went into flight response and simply became mute while my doctor talked to me about the importance of this next step in my recovery process. I responded with no eye contact and no words. What could I say, after all?

For all my brain knew someone could have been threatening my life. Our brains are smart, but they aren't that smart to work out the variances in fear. My brain was telling me this woman was threatening my life. How was I to work when my concentration can't even get through a page in a book? How was I to fit into a workplace for a whole day when spending a few hours with dear loved ones exhausts me? What work am I going to do? I can't do what I've been doing for the last 16 years because it's too stressful. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? How will I cope? The lion had caught me and I was awaiting the final death blow.

It's been a few days now since this experience. Slowly I'm coming back out of my darkness. Slowly the fear is ebbing away. Slowly.

You see very little rational thinking can be done when you're in a state of fear. Does this excuse my behaviour? No, I don't think it does. What it does mean is I have to learn more tools to control that fear. I have to work with my support team by admitting I'm scared and that we need to work on some coping strategies. Most of all I need to not let this lion beat me, but to learn to run with it instead.

Today I'm dusting myself off and getting my apron back on. It's my dear old uni friend's birthday and she deserves the very biggest of smiles from me PLUS a birthday cake. A blueberry upside down cake should do the trick for a very upside down kind of week.

Blueberry upside down cake
Adapted from Thibeault's Table

Blueberry upside down cake

Ingredients
60g melted butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 cups blueberries (fresh or Frozen)
1 tablespoon lemon juice
125g butter
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla or vanilla bean paste
1 1/3 cups plain flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)
3/4 cup milk

Method
In a 20cm diameter round cake tin, combine melted butter and brown sugar. Spread evenly on bottom of tin. Spread blueberries evenly over top. Sprinkle with lemon juice.

Cream butter and sugar, beating until light. Beat in egg and vanilla. Mix together flour, baking powder, and cinnamon if using. Add dry ingredients alternately with milk to creamed mixture. Spread batter evenly over blueberry layer.

Bake in 180°C oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean. Let cool 10 minutes in pan, then turn out onto large flat plate.

Babysitting and a hearty chicken & quinoa stew

Brisbane is slowly heading into winter. Slowly. I love winter and the reason is twofold. One, I don't have to wade my way through the humidity with clothes sticking to areas of my body that they were never meant to meet. And two, I get to enjoy making - and eating - delicious slow cooked stews and other warm, comforting, not necessarily meant for everyday consumption, food. How can you not like winter in Brisbane?

This change in temperature has prompted me to make my sister's family a hearty chicken and quinoa stew. Simple, healthy and comforting.

So why does my adorable sister and her family get this? For the last few days I've had to move in with them due to my parents having a mini break up at Noosa. So why does this 36 year old need to be babysat by her sister? Basically we all decided, my psychiatrist included, that I tend to go to very dark places when on my own. So, here enters wonderful family and friends who agree to take me in while I find my feet again, and while my poor parents have a break.

The one thing I can do as a thank you is cook a meal. My sister and brother-in-law are flat out with work and looking after their three wonderful daughters, who are 8, 5 and 2. A meal cooked for them all is one less job they need to complete, right? Also, those girls mean everything to me so I'm extremely happy to be with them and helping out (although only in a small way). And the excitement in those girls eyes when I came with my suitcase was quite simply priceless.

This dish is for all you busy people out there. It's so simple and super tasty. Even if you aren't a cook this one is worth a try.

Hearty chicken and quinoa stew

Hearty chicken and quinoa stew
Adapted from Cookin' Canuck
Serves 8

Ingredients
1kg chicken breast
1 onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, diced
4 cups (500ml) chicken stock
400g can diced tomato
700g butternut pumpkin, cubed
1 cup uncooked quinoa, washed
1 tbsp dried mixed herbs
1/2 cup firmly packed, roughly chopped olives
400g can cannellini beans
400g can butter beans
salt and pepper
1/4 cup chopped parsley, leave some for garnish
lemon wedges to serve

Method
Gently fry the onions and garlic together until translucent. Add in the chicken, stock, tomatoes, pumpkin, quinoa and mixed herbs. Bring to the boil and simmer until chicken is cooked through.

Remove chicken and shred. Add back into the stew. Add olives and beans, cook for a further 10 minutes. Turn heat off, add chopped parsley.

Serve with a wedge of lemon and parsley on top.

You don't get much easier than that.